"Life is for the living"

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot recently. Before widowhood I thought of it as a clear divide between the living and the dead. When we are alive we move on with our lives and, slowly but surely, we think less and less about our loved ones we lost. 

For the vast majority of people I think this is absolutely true. It was for me after losing my father. It has been for me after losing a few friends and other family members. You miss them occasionally and you think about them from time to time but, faster than you expect, you move on and continue with your life. Roz and I would occassionally feel guilty about this and talk about it to each other. We would say how grateful we were that we still had each other and I would glibly state "life is for the living" and shrug my shoulders.

But for a few of us - widows, children or parents of loved ones who left us before their time - we don't move on. Widows are in a third category - not alive, not dead but in limbo. We had plans and goals. Now we have nothing.

Until May 2018 I had a very clear plan. I was going to make my company a success, exit and buy a nice house in the country where Roz could stop working, make jewellery, do photography and we could look after the three cats and two to three dogs that we had always wanted. I would do I.T. consultancy and we would go on holidays to all the places we had planned to see but never had the chance.

Then Roz got diagnosed with Cancer. All plans got put on hold. 

Fourteen months later she died and now....I have nothing. I could still make my company a success - Brexit limbo and Covid have made that tricky to put it mildly but it is still achievable. I could buy a lovely house in the country. I'm unlikely to get two to three dogs but will definitely continue to have cats in my life. I could do some good in the world by performing I.T. audits for charities at a very cheap rate. I could even go and visit all the places we wanted to visit.

But....who cares? What's the point? I can't share anything I do with the only person I wanted to do it all for. My goal in life was to make Roz happy, keep her and our "kiddies" safe and help her be as healthy as possible. That's all gone.

In time I may become more selfish and find purpose in living life for me. I may even find someone else to share my life with and have motivation to complete goals to make them happy.

Until then I will stay in limbo. I will go through the motions of being alive and having a purpose. And then, hopefully, I will re-join the living.