Grief : Myth vs Reality


I had a chat with a non-widow friend a while ago and we had a pretty frank discussion about the myths and realities of widowhood..

To be clear these are my thoughts from my journey so far and everyone's journey is going to be different. That being said I've heard these sentiments repeated from most people I've spoken to.

Myth: Grief is a linear journey with a beginning and an end. The first day is the most painful and it gets easier over time until you feel normal again

Reality: Grief has many phases and while it does get less painful over time it isn't remotely linear. My experience and understanding from those further down the journey than myself is this:-

First couple of weeks - I think this very much varies on whether you knew your loved one was going to die or not. For someone like myself who lost his wife to Cancer and had been watching her slowly die over time the first couple of weeks were a relief. Whichever way it happens you will have friends and family around to support you. People will promise to be there and you will feel very loved.

First three months - this will hurt like crazy but shock will get you through it and you will have lots of energy. You will get admin done, make changes to the house, tidy things, make plans, etc.

Three months to nine months - you will crash and suddenly have no energy. The realisation that this isn't a bad dream will hit home. They are never coming back.

Up to two years - you will be deep in grief. Anniversaries will be deeply painful and you will miss them like crazy. Some people have said this lasted till the first 14 months, others the full two years, others even longer.

Two years onwards - the pain slowly heals and you start properly living again. You will have days when the reality that your loved one is not here will hit you out of nowhere like a train but those days will become less frequent. You will always grieve though. There is no moving on. It will feel like someone who has recovered from a serious injury. To everyone else you are fine but you will always know something broke and was never fully mended and will never be how it was before the injury.


Myth - Your friends will be there to support you.

Reality - Again this is different for people but the general rule is you are a social leper. Unfortunately friends will not know how to support you so will stay away. This is not done with malice but friends will not want to trouble you and will not want to talk about the grief - one for fear of upsetting you and two because it makes them uncomfortable. There will be some exceptions but they will be few and far between. This is where places like WAY come along. Here everyone understands what your going through and will be there to support you.


Myth - you will know when you are ready to date. It will be after a certain period of time and it will be appropriate.

Reality - This seems to vary a lot from person to person but no-one who starts dating seems to be very comfortable with it initially and certainly is not ready to "move on". Some wait years, some wait weeks. And whatever you choose to do is perfectly fine and appropriate for you. I am hugely conflicted about this personally. I installed Guardian Soulmates on the day I went to pick up Roz's ashes but I hid my profile 24 hours later and have never opened it since. As myself and another WAYWOCer said to each other "I want a relationship that starts 2 years in where we can both slob on a sofa and be completely relaxed in each other's company".

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